I have no use for my phone anymore. What’s the point of thousands of followers approving of me if I don’t have the one follower that matters. What’s the point of writing if I am no longer writing to you. I am happy for others because I am supposed to be happy for the people around me. I choose to be happy for them. I am grateful. For everything I have. For everyone I have. I am happy.
But I also am alone. Always alone. Alone in a new country. Alone in a school. Alone in college. Alone in a group. But extremely fortunate. My time will come. And it did but then it wasn’t for me. I fought HARD. I gave it until my knees bent towards the floor and my appointment was saturdays at 6pm with someone who didn’t have the answers to why I don’t get to be as happy as everyone around me. I build boundaries because distance is healthy. That way I don’t drown my people with sorrows and tint their beautiful happy endings. Everyone has the one thing I have always wanted. A great love.
And ever since I have convinced myself that I am my own great love. A wellness shot, my vitamins and one more rep. I am my own soulmate? I am my own friend? I am my own lover? I am my own support system? I am my own family? I keep living but what am I living for? A big house and no one to fill it with? No one to spend my life with? No one to understand me at my core? No one who gets me?
I am grateful. I am happy. I have people who love me. But also, I am alone.
