And why would I have remembered. I could feel the cold ground beneath my vata. Every breath calming me. “What could I give to him w/o wanting something in return”? I was a day early saying "Happy Birthday". I am not that girl anymore.
The one who remembered your birthday. Or wrote long messages expecting others to validate my emotions. Or the one who allowed others to dictate when I would feel good about myself. I was unfazed and unbothered. And this year I didn’t stalk his page, to see if he was having a beautiful birthday. This year I understood that we were never going to be in each other's lives again.
In my most painful moment; coincidentally laid up on the ground, I asked God to show me the love of my life. To take this pain from me. To help me understand why he would allow me to suffer for so long and in silence.
And there was no response. It felt like God was there but there were no signs, no videos on Tiktok or nice pictures with motivating fonts. And I was with God and utterly alone. Usually if someone does not respond that means you already know the answer. But in my weakest moments I wanted what every girl wants. Comfort. Preferable in the arms of someone loving. Words, hugs and therapy would only help in the moment.
There is a book in the bible about a man. His name was Samson. And God had told him that his destiny was to bring down the palace to free the Israelites from the philistines. And Samson told god that he would not because he was in love with Delilah. And since the palace was home to her he would not. Samson was given incredible strength. God told Samson that his strength comes from his hair, so if he cut it he would have no strength. When Delilah and her family found out that Samson’s strength came from his hair they cut it, out of jealousy. And they left him broken. Then Samson asked God to give him his strength one more time so that he could bring down the palace.
What conflicted me about this story for such a long time is the concept of free will. He was told his destiny and chose a different path but one way or the other he brought down the palace. In a similar way, an iphone cannot be a toaster because an iphone was created for different things than a toaster. But whether you are an iphone or a toaster. Some people would say a toaster is greater than an iphone and blame it on social media. Or someone will say an iphone and blame it on… because there are air fryers. What defines your greatness should not be people.
One thing I am absolutely certain about is that an iphone cannot be a toaster and that like these objects we cannot choose what we were made for. And in comparison we cannot kill the perception of others because each side of a slice of pizza makes the whole pizza. And in my life I noticed that whether I choose to aka; bring down the palace either because of betrayal or because of the fact I want to free my people. I still would end up right where God made me for.
I guess I would see other people happy and what I wanted was not what they had but the feeling they felt. In reality I loved what he made me feel, Happy. But free will is the choice to be happy or to suffer. And therefore, happiness and suffering are independently yours for you to decide. We could never be and I could never stop sabotaging our relationship because my happiness depended on how he made me feel. And I am so happy because the pain it brought me was the reminder that I i'm bigger than this, that I am meant for so much more than this... I am Greatness!
[Happy Birthday my love, cheers to the versions of ourselves we left in NP!]
